First we had newspeak...

...now we have Islamspeak.

A Turkish publisher has decided to alter Western literature to conform to Islamic virtues and values.

"Give me some bread, for Allah's sake," Pinocchio says to Geppetto, his maker, in a book stamped with the crest of the Ministry of Education.

"Thanks be to Allah," the puppet says later.

In "The Three Musketeers," D'Artagnan is told that he cannot visit Aramis.

An old woman explains: "He is surrounded by men of religion. He converted to Islam after his illness."

Tom Sawyer may always have shirked his homework, but he is more conscientious in learning his Islamic prayers. He is given a "special treat" for learning the Arabic words.

Pollyanna, seen by some as the embodiment of Christian forgiveness, says that she believes in the end of the world as predicted in the Koran.

And on it goes.

If these Islamicized versions weren't so scary in a 1984-esque way, they'd be downright hilarious. However, the good news is that it appears this has been done without the permission of the Turkish Ministry of Education, whose official stamp nevertheless appears on the books. They seem pretty peeved about it, and have threatened to clamp down on publishers, though this seems more in response to embedded slurs and insults against members of the government, rather than to the rewriting of Western classics.

But, you know, I can kind of see where the publishers are coming from. You gotta impart your virtues to the kids somehow, lest they become slaves to the evil Satanic ape-like Western way of thinking. I would therefore like to show my solidarity with the publishers by offering the following Islamicized passages of one of my favorite works.

From J.R.R. Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings:

"By the Blessed Prophet (PBUH), you cannot pass!" he said. With a bound the Balrog leaped full upon the bridge. Its whip whirled and hissed.

"He cannot stand alone!" cried Aragorn suddenly and ran back along the bridge.

"Allahu Ackbar!" he shouted. "I am with you Gandalf!"

--

"It's a pity Bilbo didn't kill him when he had the chance."

"Pity? It was the will of Allah that stayed Bilbo's hand. Many that live, such as the vile infidels of the West, deserve death. Some that die, blessings upon the martyrs, deserve life. Can you give it to them, Frodo? Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment, unless it be in the service of Allah (Praise be upon Him!). Even the very wise cannot see all ends, except for the glorious Prophet Mohammed (PBUH). My heart, guided aright by Allah, tells me that Gollum has some part to play yet, for good or ill before this is over. The pity of Bilbo, moved by the hand of the Almighty, may rule the fate of many."

"I wish The Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had ever happened."

"So do all who live to face such times, but that is not for them to decide. Thanks be to Allah, all we have to decide is how to carry out His will (Praise be upon Allah!)."

Well, that was easy. You know, this could become a sort of parlor game. Break out the cheese puffs and rootbeer, and everybody Islamicize your favorite passages!