Saturday, January 07, 2006

BloodRayne: The Review

This is the vampire movie that instantly made IMDb's bottom 100 list, and, after seeing it, I would say deservedly so.

Some random thoughts...


Historically accurate.

Apparently, low-riding skin-tight leather and lycra clothing was popular with women in 18th century Romania. Also, for anyone who ever wondered, the mullet dates back to at least this time and place.

The dialogue is terrible. Someone got paid to write stuff like, "Kagan is building an army of thralls, and we're going to a carnival!?!"

All of the actors look vaguely embarrassed to be in this movie.

Kristanna Loken (of Terminator 3 fame) cannot act. Although she is okay to look at, she has absolutely no grace of motion, and is cursed with that terrible apathetic slouchy posture that is endemic with modern youth. (Compare to Kate Beckinsale, who also stars in crummy vampire flicks, but she moves with confidence and has that fabulous British ramrod-straight posture.)

Michael Madsen looks like he's acquired every bad habit known to mankind between Kill Bill and now. He's become a giant, flabby, leather pancake of a man.

Lamest love-scene involving humans ever put to screen. (Lamest love-scene period belongs to the puppets in Bride of Chucky.) My only thoughts while this was going on were, Why? and Please, stop. Even my husband was squirming.

What in the world is going on with Ben Kingsley? Last year he turned in a weird performance in A Sound of Thunder, and now this. It's hard to believe that the man who starred in Gandhi and House of Sand and Fog has been reduced to playing a big-schnozzed neck-biter in a B-grade vampire thriller.

Action sequences are pathetic. One is acutely aware of actors standing in place apathetically kicking or swinging a sword while the camera is whizzed around to make it appear that a lot more is happening.

Not since the Kill Bill volumes has so much fake blood been employed in the making of a movie, but to so little effect.

Meatloaf shows up in a pointless role about 2/3 of the way through. You find out during the credits that his real last name is Aday. (You know the saying, "A Meatloaf Aday keeps the doctor away." Or something.)

Bottom line: I think it's appropriate that the heroes of BloodRayne belong to the Brimstone Society, because this movie stinks. A connoisseur of bad movies will enjoy BloodRayne (as I did), but I would caution anyone else to beware of anything directed, produced, written, touched by, looked at, or sneezed on by Uwe Boll.

2 Comments:

Blogger Rusticus said...

Tell us you really feel.

"Apparently, low-riding skin-tight leather and lycra clothing was popular with women in 18th century Romania."

Dang. I always thought I had be born at the wrong time. And place.

"A Meatloaf Aday keeps the doctor away."

*Winces* Maybe you should work on scripts, too!

I am a bit confused, was it so bad it was good or was it so bad it was bad but you liked it anyways?

1/08/2006 3:07 PM  
Blogger Stickwick Stapers said...

It wasn't bad enough to rank as truly great badness, so it's not destined to become a classic or anything. It was just bad in a dorky, innocent way, and while I find that kind of incompetent filmmaking entertaining, most people don't. Hence the warning. But for anyone who still wants to see it, let me say that these kinds of movies can't be enjoyed on one's own -- you need someone to help you poke fun.

1/08/2006 3:36 PM  

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