Back From My Trip and a Meme

I just got back from a very nice visit with the family back home. Carnaby and I are originally from a rustic, rural part of Oregon, and it's nice to get back there once in a while. The coastal part of the state is namby-pamby, bed-wetting liberal, but the eastern part is definitely Jesusland with lots of high-powered rifles in pickup gunracks and "W" stickers everywhere. A refreshing change of pace from where we each live at the moment.

Anyway, Kevin at The Smallest Minority has requested my participation in this blogmeme, and I'm happy to oblige.

Here's how it works.

Following there is a list of different occupations. You must select at least five of them. You may add more if you like to your list before you pass it on (after you select five of the items as it was passed to you).

Of the five you selected, you are to finish each phrase with what you would do as a member of that profession. Then pass it on to three other suckers bloggers.

Here’s the list:

If I could be a scientist…
If I could be a farmer…
If I could be a musician…
If I could be a doctor…
If I could be a painter…
If I could be a gardener…
If I could be a missionary…
If I could be a chef…
If I could be an architect…
If I could be a linguist…
If I could be a psychologist…
If I could be a librarian…
If I could be an athlete…
If I could be a lawyer…
If I could be an innkeeper…
If I could be a professor…
If I could be a writer…
If I could be a backup dancer…
If I could be a llama-rider…
If I could be a bonnie pirate…
If I could be a midget stripper…
If I could be a proctologist…
If I could be a TV-Chat show host…
If I could be an actor…
If I could be a judge…

My response:

If I could be a musician I would be a Hardanger violinist. I am absolutely awestruck by the stylings of Annbjørg Lien (listen to an authorized mp3 of "Loki" here). My parents "forced" me to take violin lessons when I was young, but I hated it and quit and now I totally regret it.

If I could be an architect I would borrow some inspiration from Howard Roark and design anything from homes to skyscrapers with my unique and futuristic style. When I was a kid I was so obsessed with drawing blueprints and building forts out of couch cushions and gym mats that my parents were sure I would become an architect. (I didn't.) My style would borrow heavily from the sci-fi artistry of Ralph McQuarrie.

If I could be a linguist I would figure out who in the hell came up with the single most absurd language on the face of the earth, Finnish. My husband is a Finn, and at my request is helping me learn the language so I can speak with his parents. It's a psychotic language designed to discourage foreigners with its complexity. It has nineteen stupid cases -- that's nineteen different ways of modifying nouns!! -- and none of the vocabulary sounds even remotely like anything in the Germanic or Romantic languages. Ai, perse!

If I could be a psychologist I would help people manage their psychoses without pharmaceuticals or new-age touchy-feely baloney. My sole resource would be the insights of one D.G. Garan in his book, The Key to the Sciences of Man. People in my family are prone to depression and anxiety, but we manage it quite easily using only what we know from this book.

If I could be an innkeeper I would have an old-time inn styled after the Prancing Pony in The Lord of the Rings. Rough hewn architecture and furnishings, huge fireplaces, and hearty food and drink. If I wasn't already training to be a scientist, this would be my passion. I already brew my own beer and mead, thoroughly enjoy cooking and keeping house, and love having guests.

As for who I would like to participate in this meme, I pick Rusticus at Solarvoid, Ben at Carnaby Fudge, and, lessee, Michelle Malkin. (Do you think she'll respond? Hee hee.)