Friday, January 18, 2008

Movie Review: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

Q: What do you get when you mix movie-making and German tax-shelter shenanigans?
A: Uwe Boll movies.

It explains a lot, actually, like how such a horrible director keeps getting lots and lots of money to make his cinematic stink-bombs.

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale is exactly what I expected in a big-budget Uwe Boll movie. It's The Lord of the Rings meets Excalibur meets Conan the Barbarian meets Xena: Warrior Princess meets Joan of Arc meets a bunch of other crap, all directed by the Ed Wood of our time. It sort of makes sense in a grand, cosmic way that this is the quality you get whenever government more or less subsidizes your "art," but what I don't understand is how Boll gets successful, recognizable actors to embarrass themselves in his clunkers. Last time it was Ben Kingsley. This time it's a three-fer: Jason Statham, John Rhys-Davies (no, Gimli, no!), and Ray Liotta. Are these guys hurting for money? What's going on?

"What the %^&# was I thinking?"


*** possible spoilers (if you really care)***

Memorable moments:

Burt Reynolds as the king didn't just phone in his performance, he tapped it out in Morse code.

Matthew Lillard needs to cut back on the caffeine or the meth or whatever.

In a deathbed scene, we get a lecture about seaweed and agriculture. (This got a lot of laughs.)

The hero is attacked by a library in the climax ("Conan the Librarian"?)

And by "memorable moments" I mean that's all I can remember. The movie was over two hours long, and that's about all I got out of it.

Apparently, this and Seed (which the Grand Master of Crumminess, himself, is presenting in Austin, TX tonight) will be the last of his great cinematic experiments. The German government has put the kibosh on his tax-shelter-funded big-budget schlockos, so it's back to low-budget filmmaking for Dr. Boll.


Blogger Plastic Yank said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

1/18/2008 2:59 PM  
Blogger Plastic Yank said...

This sounds almost insane enough to be interesting, heh.

1/18/2008 3:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a secret fantasy where Uwe Boll makes an amazing film and opens everyone's eyes to the possibilities of film..... until then we can keep busy with the bogus reviews.
I hear this one wasn't as bad as they say it is-- I mean they raved about it in the European reviews. It's funny though because this one website is definitely giving away a prop sword from a "In the Name of the King"
My buddy and I were overjoyed. If we win it we're going to knight the guys in our frat after big nights... you can enter, but know I'm going to win it. Here's the link, it's for real-- check it out:

1/18/2008 3:17 PM  
Blogger Stickwick Stapers said...

I have to admit that, in spite of the fact that I give them bad reviews, I'm a fan of Uwe Boll movies. I love crappy B-movies, especially for the way they unite the audience and make the taunting and laughing a shared experience. I just don't remember all that much from this particular movie, because it was structured in a very choppy and confusing way. But it was entertaining.

1/18/2008 4:16 PM  
Anonymous saurabh said...

John Rhys-Davies gave an interview where he describes his reasons for appearing in the movie. Good interview, too.

1/31/2008 1:20 PM  

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