How to be 1337

I found this a while back browsing linuxsucks.org, which has, oddly enough, turned into a windows bashing site. Here's the text

/* elite-HOWTO by Twez @ EFnet */

# How to appear as 'elite' on IRC is something tried a lot on IRC these days, but its successful by only a few individuals. This document # will explain how to appear as one.

1. The way of speaking elite. (heh)

Its all about the 'heh'. Quite easy for this one, say 'heh' for every imaginable situations. It has to be your new mantra, you have to chant it every time the occasion is presented to you (and theres a lot of situation to burst out a 'heh', belive me). Even when someone complimentsyou, say 'heh' instead of 'thanks. You will appear as a cool fuck with no education, but thats good cause thats what elites are. Like this exemple:

dude, your new website is the bomb :)
i know, heh.

See the attitude there? Its very important to masterize the 'heh' art.

2. The knowledge of UNIX

DONT RUN WINDOWS!!! DONT RUN WINDOWS!!!. Extremely important there, if you run windows, you cant be elite. You have to run Linux (Slackware at the minimum) or better, some BSD flavour. Then the next step is to learn every UNIX command to impress people on the channels youre in.
Tell some well-known fact like:

- X Windows is gay. Console owns.
- All GUI's are the suck. Did i said that console was elite?
- Pico (or nano) is extremely gay. vi is the elitest.
- X-Chat sucks dicks (cause it has a GUI). BitchX too (console, but too bloated). ScrollZ is elite, EPIC (plain or with a script) is fine.

And so on.. Tell everyone that packeting is gay but dont forget to packet the asshole that juped your nick 5 minutes ago. Then tell people you owned him in 2 seconds and you will appear as the most elite guy in the channel, cause you run *nix and you drop people that jupe nicks on IRC.

3. Don't help!

Now that you installed a decent *nix flavour and learned all his secrets, you install an elite IRC client for elite people.. and you start hanging on IRC. You show your *nix knowledge with many 'heh' and then you wait, cause a reputation take some time to make you know?
Eventually, you will encounter people that ask for help. NEVER, i repeat, NEVER help people on IRC. You will look helpfull if you do so and helpfull people are usually nice people. Dont forget, you elite-wannabe, that elite people arnt nice. They are cold and mean. So even if you are bored to death, stay far from help channels and dont answer when someone msg you for help them. But then, you'll ask me: 'What to answer to people that ask for help?'. Well, follow the exemple below and you'll appear as an elite d00d.

hi, how do i extract blah.tar.gz?
RTFM, asshole

Where RTFM means 'Read The Fucking Manual'. Clearly, you tell him to follow the instructions included in the file. But hey, he comes on IRC to ask a mean fuck elite like you to help him cause he probably read the fucking manual, but didnt understood something. Still, you have an answer especially elite for that:

well, ive read the docs but i didnt understood a thing.. its not clear
cause you have no clue.

Notice the '.' at the end of elite's sentence. It means its definitive and that you cant reply to that. The clue is something elites have..
guys like someguy never have clue. Oh and dont forget to burst out a:

heh

To appear as a real elite.

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So all in all, being elite is all about saying 'heh' all the time, be the worst asshole on IRC and never help people. So try to follow this how-to and you'll be a real elite. You may ask 'Is the guy that tell me how to be an elite is one himself?' well i'll try to answer that by 'yes and no'

No cause: i help people, i hang on dalnet and undernet (new to undernet), i run Red Hat Linux, im on Xwindows, i like GUI's, im french, i dont know every UNIX commands and switches and i dont say 'heh' for everything.


Yes cause: i use mostly console stuff, i hang on EFnet, i used vi to compose this howto.

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As you can see, theres more reasons for i am not elite than reasons i am. I dont care at all.

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If youve been insulted by this document, i dont care at all too. And fuck you.

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/* EOF */

Heh. I'm not sure what packeting is, but that bit sounds damn funny. Maybe Kirk at limpidity knows, after all, he scored 98 on the nerd meter (I only got 95, maybe I'll reach 98 when I finish my Phd).